Such a necessary read as a man. The bit about whether a woman chooses to have children or not, they are forced to take on a mothering role/responsibility by ultimately mothering someone else—a lot of times, like you mentioned, it’s their partner. Writing like this always serves as a mirror for me. I know my privilege as a man allows me, whether I like it or not, to choose when to step up and step back because truthfully, consciously or unconsciously, my wife will do it. That’s a sad truth I have to fight and confront every day. A lot of men leave their mothers and join other women who become their mothers as well. Thank you for this—this writing makes me uncomfortable and is a reminder I don’t want to be a burden, and frankly, another boy my wife must mother.
I’ve made this about men when it really wasn’t suppose to be about us- my apologies. Grateful for the women in my life, especially Black women.
Thank you for reading! I think men must be included in the conversation too because y’all play a vital role in collective care, especially in parenting. I feel really hopeful that so many men I know are eager to take on more (especially the emotional labor and kin keeping aspects) and they feel really fulfilled in doing so … because sure, some men are comfortable in that patriarchal power dynamic that forces their wives to mother them, but many men are sensitive and kind and capable when they’re given the space to be! I know the conversation often ends up at just “fuck men” but I don’t think that’s helpful to any gender identity.
I appreciate your words and work Steph. I 100 percent agree with you how we need to be part of the conversation especially since the life of patriarchy is sustained by us. I’m always reminded this work is not about arriving but a constant growing, learning, and unlearning. I’m learning this in real time as a new-ish parent. Grateful, for these words because it proves I can do the self work and healing I need to do without burdening my wife.
I love that! learning how to parent is probably one of the hardest things humans can do, and I really admire people who are constantly working on themselves as a better approach to it. I’m constantly unlearning and learning and growing … would be very different with a child!
Wow. Amazing piece. Really resonated with me. The part about the divide between friends having kids and not having kids. I have been feeling that now for so long and not quite sure how to put it into words.
Thanks! Me too 😭 I’m so happy for my friends but I know we both feel that divide. But I think it doesn’t have to be that way, even if relationships have to change/evolve
This was SO well done Steph 👏 so impressed, was aggressively nodding my head whilst reading! I really want to read ‘Women without Kids’ now! I have no idea if I want kids - I’m 25 so I think I have grace of about a decade to decide (if I’m lucky). It’s honestly something I never considered (I put no thought to it) until a got chronically unwell a few years ago and now I think about not having them a lot. Having such a visceral experience of loosing body/health/time (which are all things you loose when you have kids, in a good and bad way) makes me think a lot about my relationship with self. I’ve lost all this for years and when I get it back (fingers crossed but it’ll never be ‘normal’ again) do I really then want to hand it over again to being pregnant and raising a child? Also after having chronic health issues the thought of being pregnant is deeply unsettling bc I’ve been through enough medical trauma.
People say they just KNOW and I’m like when will that happen? Also I am v worried about having a kid and them having to fight for drinking water because that will be awful. Either way books that show the other side of it are vital we should all have a more balanced and compassionate understand for the entire scope of womanhood, which includes kids or no kids!
I will again say I think you should read ‘A Little Luck’ by Claudia Piñeiro & ‘Still Born’ by Guadalupe Nettel. I also looooved ‘Sorrow and Bliss’! Found it deeply weird when I read it bc it is so reflective of my life to the point it’s a bit spooky. Main character is called Martha with a mysterious illness she can’t get help for bc they don’t know that’s going on, her partner is called Patrick (so is mine) and where she ends up getting help is where I go too. Really wondered if Mason had bugged by bedroom and written about me.
I love your perspective! I also think people don’t take your decisions as “seriously” at 25 — it’s very dismissive as it’s assumed you’ll change your mind or ultimately have kids anyway! Which is absolutely fine of course, but we should be allowed to talk about all of this in our 20s too. It’s really wild how much more people just listen to me or believe me now that I’m past 30 lol
Also really love your point about chronic illness — something about the assumption that women should have children to be complete feels very ableist for this reason. You literally never know what someone’s health or relationship with their body is and that has to be a huge factor in the decision. And talk about a demographic that is not collectively cared for!!! At least in the US we make parenting while disabled or ill so difficult
Also also, what a wild coincidence with Sorrow and Bliss?! I genuinely love that book even if it’s due to the author bugging your room 😅😅
So well written, Steph. Thank you for this piece. I'm a woman also in her early (ok FINE, mid) thirties and I've been grappling with this decision for years now (have written a bit about it too, though not here on Substack)... It's such a deeply complex and nuanced thing, and you've captured that so well.
Steph, I am so appreciative of you sharing your thoughts! I read this book recently and, like you, found so many of Warrington's points helpful to voice my thoughts and feelings. I think it's such a good book that talks about the personal reasons and the larger societal reasons that someone might choose not to have kids.
As someone who is inching into my mid-30s the question of kids has become ever present this last year or so. It's always been a vague "maybe" but it gets hard when you have to confront it and actually decide. And I've definitely been resentful at moments that even the burden of decision falls more heavily on a woman (rather than a man, who can, ostensibly, have children until he dies).
I laughed at your last two suggestions for responses when someone asks why you're not having kids. Definitely deploying those next time that question (inevitably) comes up!
Thank you!! Also so true at this age — it is easy to say yes, no, or maybe in the abstract, and it’s another beast to be confronted by choice. Even though I’ve known for some time I don’t want to be a mom, it hasn’t felt real, honestly, until the last couple of years because in your 20s you don’t necessarily feel like you’re “supposed” to be having kids anyway. And the time crunch that women specifically feel because we can’t wait forever is so real — what if you’re not ready when your body is?
Such a necessary read as a man. The bit about whether a woman chooses to have children or not, they are forced to take on a mothering role/responsibility by ultimately mothering someone else—a lot of times, like you mentioned, it’s their partner. Writing like this always serves as a mirror for me. I know my privilege as a man allows me, whether I like it or not, to choose when to step up and step back because truthfully, consciously or unconsciously, my wife will do it. That’s a sad truth I have to fight and confront every day. A lot of men leave their mothers and join other women who become their mothers as well. Thank you for this—this writing makes me uncomfortable and is a reminder I don’t want to be a burden, and frankly, another boy my wife must mother.
I’ve made this about men when it really wasn’t suppose to be about us- my apologies. Grateful for the women in my life, especially Black women.
Thank you for reading! I think men must be included in the conversation too because y’all play a vital role in collective care, especially in parenting. I feel really hopeful that so many men I know are eager to take on more (especially the emotional labor and kin keeping aspects) and they feel really fulfilled in doing so … because sure, some men are comfortable in that patriarchal power dynamic that forces their wives to mother them, but many men are sensitive and kind and capable when they’re given the space to be! I know the conversation often ends up at just “fuck men” but I don’t think that’s helpful to any gender identity.
I appreciate your words and work Steph. I 100 percent agree with you how we need to be part of the conversation especially since the life of patriarchy is sustained by us. I’m always reminded this work is not about arriving but a constant growing, learning, and unlearning. I’m learning this in real time as a new-ish parent. Grateful, for these words because it proves I can do the self work and healing I need to do without burdening my wife.
I love that! learning how to parent is probably one of the hardest things humans can do, and I really admire people who are constantly working on themselves as a better approach to it. I’m constantly unlearning and learning and growing … would be very different with a child!
Wow. Amazing piece. Really resonated with me. The part about the divide between friends having kids and not having kids. I have been feeling that now for so long and not quite sure how to put it into words.
Thanks! Me too 😭 I’m so happy for my friends but I know we both feel that divide. But I think it doesn’t have to be that way, even if relationships have to change/evolve
Exactly!
This was SO well done Steph 👏 so impressed, was aggressively nodding my head whilst reading! I really want to read ‘Women without Kids’ now! I have no idea if I want kids - I’m 25 so I think I have grace of about a decade to decide (if I’m lucky). It’s honestly something I never considered (I put no thought to it) until a got chronically unwell a few years ago and now I think about not having them a lot. Having such a visceral experience of loosing body/health/time (which are all things you loose when you have kids, in a good and bad way) makes me think a lot about my relationship with self. I’ve lost all this for years and when I get it back (fingers crossed but it’ll never be ‘normal’ again) do I really then want to hand it over again to being pregnant and raising a child? Also after having chronic health issues the thought of being pregnant is deeply unsettling bc I’ve been through enough medical trauma.
People say they just KNOW and I’m like when will that happen? Also I am v worried about having a kid and them having to fight for drinking water because that will be awful. Either way books that show the other side of it are vital we should all have a more balanced and compassionate understand for the entire scope of womanhood, which includes kids or no kids!
I will again say I think you should read ‘A Little Luck’ by Claudia Piñeiro & ‘Still Born’ by Guadalupe Nettel. I also looooved ‘Sorrow and Bliss’! Found it deeply weird when I read it bc it is so reflective of my life to the point it’s a bit spooky. Main character is called Martha with a mysterious illness she can’t get help for bc they don’t know that’s going on, her partner is called Patrick (so is mine) and where she ends up getting help is where I go too. Really wondered if Mason had bugged by bedroom and written about me.
I love your perspective! I also think people don’t take your decisions as “seriously” at 25 — it’s very dismissive as it’s assumed you’ll change your mind or ultimately have kids anyway! Which is absolutely fine of course, but we should be allowed to talk about all of this in our 20s too. It’s really wild how much more people just listen to me or believe me now that I’m past 30 lol
Also really love your point about chronic illness — something about the assumption that women should have children to be complete feels very ableist for this reason. You literally never know what someone’s health or relationship with their body is and that has to be a huge factor in the decision. And talk about a demographic that is not collectively cared for!!! At least in the US we make parenting while disabled or ill so difficult
Also also, what a wild coincidence with Sorrow and Bliss?! I genuinely love that book even if it’s due to the author bugging your room 😅😅
Love to read your thoughts here! Also second Heti’s Motherhood
it sounds really insightful
came here to scream that you must read Heti's Motherhood immediately, glad to see it in the recs section hehehe
I’ll let you know once I snag a copy!!
So well written, Steph. Thank you for this piece. I'm a woman also in her early (ok FINE, mid) thirties and I've been grappling with this decision for years now (have written a bit about it too, though not here on Substack)... It's such a deeply complex and nuanced thing, and you've captured that so well.
Steph, I am so appreciative of you sharing your thoughts! I read this book recently and, like you, found so many of Warrington's points helpful to voice my thoughts and feelings. I think it's such a good book that talks about the personal reasons and the larger societal reasons that someone might choose not to have kids.
As someone who is inching into my mid-30s the question of kids has become ever present this last year or so. It's always been a vague "maybe" but it gets hard when you have to confront it and actually decide. And I've definitely been resentful at moments that even the burden of decision falls more heavily on a woman (rather than a man, who can, ostensibly, have children until he dies).
I laughed at your last two suggestions for responses when someone asks why you're not having kids. Definitely deploying those next time that question (inevitably) comes up!
Thank you!! Also so true at this age — it is easy to say yes, no, or maybe in the abstract, and it’s another beast to be confronted by choice. Even though I’ve known for some time I don’t want to be a mom, it hasn’t felt real, honestly, until the last couple of years because in your 20s you don’t necessarily feel like you’re “supposed” to be having kids anyway. And the time crunch that women specifically feel because we can’t wait forever is so real — what if you’re not ready when your body is?